Honesty & Other Extreme Sports
by weloveanyways
Summary: "Lucy felt like she was in a haze the entire time she was in the hospital. People came in and sat with her, but she couldn't wait to get home so she could be alone. Except once she was alone, everything was suddenly clear and ten times worse than she could have ever imagined."


She was almost dead when they pulled her from the barrel. Dehydration. Oxygen deprivation. Not to mention everything Caleb did to her before he stuffed her in there. Lucy felt like she was in a haze the entire time she was in the hospital, people came in and sat with her, but she couldn't wait to get home so she could be alone. Except, once she was alone, everything was suddenly clear and ten times worse than she could have ever imagined.

Jackson would burst into her bedroom, off-duty weapon in hand when he heard her scream at night, and he held her while she sobbed. Jackson was a good friend. She knew it wasn't ideal for him, especially now that he was in a relationship. She didn't want to be the reason anything happened between them. Her mother and father tried to get her to come home, but she refused and told them that she was seeing a therapist and they needed to respect her privacy. That worked, for now.

She was still on medical leave until her concussion went away completely, and she couldn't return to active duty until she psych evaluation with a station assigned therapist. Her medical bills and subsequent mental therapy were covered by her job. That was something to be thankful for, she guessed. Lucy had a few meetings and was, apparently, on the fast track to getting approved. She was coping as well as could be. Great, she told Nolan while trying not to be bitter, she wasn't completely traumatized.

Lucy tried to go to the station when she knew everyone she was close to would be out on patrol. It made her anxious - talking to them while they were working, watching them judge her or making assumptions about how she was doing. She hadn't even spoken to Tim since she was in the hospital and told him something about cockroaches when she was high on pain medication. She was dodging most of Rachel's calls too because it was hard to talk to her about this stuff. They both felt things so intensely that Lucy wasn't sure she wanted to burden Rachel with it.

Lopez and Harper wouldn't let her do that shit, though. They showed up about a week after, silently, with food and sat with her until she felt she could felt comfortable enough to say something. Lucy told them that the biggest thing she felt was stupid and weak. How could she have let a guy slip something into her drink? How could she have let her guard down? She wasn't a warrior, she was pathetic, like Harper said in the tunnel. Lopez and Harper were the first people she believed when they told her she was wrong.

Nolan and Jackson provided distraction. They didn't go out to bars anymore, and that was okay. Instead they went out to eat or they hung out in her apartment - they tried the movies, once, but Lucy had to leave because she felt claustrophobic. She had never felt claustrophobic before, but they took it in stride. They even watched a pirated version of the movie she found while sitting on her and Jackson's couch.

* * *

As she walked through the station, she saw Harper slide out of Grey's office and give her a nod, before running off to find Nolan to go back out. Harper understood her anxiety, and let her have it. She was only here for a psych evaluation to see if she was ready to return to active duty. Lucy had been watching her, blankly a moment, before she reached the office. She met with this woman, Anne Yang, less than the other therapist she saw, but Lucy didn't hate it. She was nice, and she was honest.

"Officer Chen, come on in." Lucy gave a small smile. Honestly, she just appreciated that she was a woman. Being honest about how violated she felt with a man seemed harder. "How are we feeling today?"

"Restless." Lucy answered, honestly. "I've been sleeping a little better, but I... I really want to go back to work," she confessed. Anne glanced up from her notepad, and nodded.

"It's been three weeks," Anne said. Lucy wished she could tell what she was thinking.

"Do you think it's too soon?"

"Do you think it's too soon?" Anne asked, folding her hands over her lap.

Lucy bit her lip, glancing down at her hands. "No. Not really."

"How have the panic attacks been?"

Lucy shifted in her seat, leaning over to rest her elbows on her knees. "Less frequent, but they still happen."

"You're a very honest person, Officer Chen." Anne said, looking at her. "Why is that?"

Her brow furrowed. "Is it a bad thing?"

"Not at all. It's just… usual. Most officers have trouble admitting when something is wrong."

She gave a wry smile. "With all due respect, ma'am, I'm not like most officers. I try to be - I'm trying to be better." Anne smiled back, and jotted something down on her note pad.

* * *

Lucy was not cleared for active duty that afternoon, but she was cleared for desk duty. That was something, at least. It counted - sort of. She didn't get her gun back. Still, it allowed her to confront the whispering and the staring head on with the other officers in the station, while giving her some normalcy to her life.

Sargent Grey caught her on her way out and asked how she was doing. Fine, better than expected, she replied. She was getting a little sick of everyone asking that question.

He dropped a bomb on her, then. It wasn't even a real bomb, it was just a statement. "Bradford told me that you might want a Training Officer." She didn't know why she got so angry, but it was a knee jerk reaction. She stared at Grey, who looked like he absolutely did not want to have this conversation, and she ground her teeth together. Lucy took a deep breath.

"Are you transferring me?" she asked, keeping her tone void of any and all emotion.

"I'm asking you if you want a new training officer," Grey said, flatly.

"I don't want a new Training Officer, Sergeant Grey." Lucy said, before turning on her heel and walking right out of the station.

* * *

He sent her to voicemail. Twice.

"Rat bastard!" she seethed, ignoring the look on the barista's face as she handed him a 10 dollar bill for her coffee without taking change. She was pissed, livid really, probably way more than she should be. She dealt in extremes now, when it came to emotions. High highs and low lows and angry... angrys. It was common among those that experienced traumatic events. She finally called Rachel back.

"Lucy?" Rachel answered after the first ring. "Are you alright?"

"Where's Tim?" She asked, first.

There was a pause. "Lucy. Are you alright?" Rachel asked again, this time slower.

"No." Lucy surprised herself with her honesty. "Is he at your house right now?"

"... Yeah. But I don't think it's a good idea for -"

"Tell him to man the fuck up and pick up his phone."

"Lu-"

Lucy hung up on her, feeling only a little guilty, before getting back to her car.

* * *

He came to her apartment instead of calling her back. Lucy was working out - going to the gym didn't feel safe anymore, so she downloaded a bunch of work out videos and kept up with what she could do at home. She would make Jackson go with her to the gym later. Or maybe Nolan, but he was always a little whiny at the gym. She was in the middle of doing crunches when she heard the bell.

"One second," Lucy called, standing up and stretching, before grabbing a zip up sweatshirt to put over her sports bra and leggings outfit. "I thought I canceled that pizza order - oh."

Tim Bradford was standing in her doorway, mouth in a tight thin line and arms crossed over his chest. She wanted to punch him - Lucy took a breath, reminding herself that the anger she felt wasn't useful in having a conversation with him. Tim probably had some sort of reason for it, and hell, maybe it was some sort of ridiculous Bradford Test that she was going to punch him in the mouth for.

Lucy realized they were having a bit of a staring contest, as neither of them had said a damn thing yet. She stepped to the side and waved him in, not caring enough to turn her workout video off. It was paused while the annoying peppy woman was explaining how to do crunches properly.

"Is that a work out DVD?"

"No. It's from YouTube. Going to the gym alone right now is scary, but I have to keep in shape." Her honesty surprised her yet again as Tim looked at her.

"Boot-"

"What did I do wrong?" Lucy demanded. Tim looked taken aback, but she bulldozed right through him. "What sort of stupid Tim Bradford test did I fail that makes you want to dump me off on another training officer? Because I didn't see Caleb for what he was - big Failure on having cop eyes. I missed him slip something into my drink because I trusted that someone I was with wouldn't do that, I trusted my judge of character. I ended up in a barrel and -" Lucy didn't know when she started shouting at him, but she was, and she saw the distress in his face as he held his hands up defensively against her verbal onslaught -

"Boot." Tim's voice rose over hers and her voice caught in it's throat. She mentally dared him to tell her to calm down. Tim was smarter than that, though, and he waited for her to take a deep breath. "Chen." He said her name again, and she waited for him to actually say something. "I didn't talk to Grey because you did something wrong. I thought - I thought you would have wanted another T.O."

Lucy's face twisted into a scowl. "Excuse me?"

Tim didn't repeat himself because they both knew she heard what he said.

"Why?"

"You know why."

Lucy really didn't know why. She stared at him in confusion for a second. "You - Because you told me to go out that night." Lucy realized, and ran her hands down her face in frustration. No wonder he hadn't been around. She thought it was weird, but she wasn't willing to admit it. Tim was distant - he was her training officer, he wasn't her friend. That's how she rationalized it to herself. He didn't need to check up on her when she was clearly going through some things even if she would have liked his support.

Tim still hadn't said anything. He was just looking at her, and Lucy could feel her previous-anger fizzling out as she looked back at him. "I don't blame you," Lucy said.

"I know you don't."

After a moment, she said, "Do you… blame you?"

"I don't know, Boot, but it can't be good for either of us to be thinking about that." Tim replied.

Lucy finally looked away, looking down at the floor. "I don't remember a lot about when I was found. I was almost out of air. Breathing was hard and everything hurt. And I -" Lucy wrapped her arms around herself, swallowing hard. It was like pulling teeth, talking about this, but it was important. Tim stayed quiet, letting her speak again. She appreciated that. "I remember you." Lucy finally looked up at him. "You found me. I heard you, even before you broke the barrel open. I thought I was hallucinating, but you pulled me out. I remember-"

Lucy did remember that part - sort of. Tim's voice coming in and out in blips. "I found - medical - airship - Boot! Chen! Can you hear me?!" Lucy had weakly looked up in the pitch black of the barrel, suddenly hyper focused on Tim's voice. There was other movement, and Lucy didn't think of it then, but she suddenly realized it had to be Nolan and Harper. Lucy had weakly raised her hand, haphazardly banging against the lid. "She's alive. Chen! Lucy - out!" The fresh air smacked her in the face the second Tim and Nolan pried open the lid. By then, everyone's voices had muddled together and her memory wasn't much better.

"Chen." Tim pulled her back to the present, and she realized she had zoned out. Lucy's eyes snapped back to him, but it was Tim's turn to look away. He ran a hand over his jaw. "It's not -"

"You should have said something to me before saying something to Grey." They looked at each other, and Lucy wasn't sure what else there was to say. She didn't have anything else to say, and Tim looked a little ashamed mixed with regret. It was the acknowledgement in his eyes, however, that told her she understood. After a moment, he nodded. And she nodded back.

Right. Good. So they understood each other because… well, they were honest. Both of them. Even if it took a few angry phone calls.

"Because now," Lucy said, carefully, "Now, I have to watch work out videos on YouTube to make up for the fact that I angry-ate a pint of moosetrack ice cream because I thought I failed one of your stupid Bradford Tests." She was testing the waters, steering the conversation to something more light hearted.

It looked like it took Tim a moment to recalibrate his brain and shake off the seriousness of what they had just talked about, but after a moment, he scowled. "Everything is a test, Officer Chen." he said, flatly, folding his arms over his chest. She felt herself laugh. "Let's go." He said, striding back to the door.

"Where are we going? You know I'm not cleared for anything other than -"

"Desk duty. But we don't want you to lose everything I've taught you this far. We're going to the gym." Tim said and Lucy froze a moment, brow furrowing. He turned to look at her, and it happened again. The string of understanding between them, for just a moment. She said going to the gym alone didn't make her feel safe anymore. He was going to go with her. She remembered something else, then as they looked at each other.

"I've got you, Boot. I've got you."

Tim's voice, whispering in her ear as she held onto something - him? - for dear life. Lucy sucked in a deep breath, and nodded.

She wasn't okay, not just yet, but at least she wasn't alone.


End file.
